On Colton
Last night, around 9:50pm CST, I saw a promo on ABC for a special interview with Robin Roberts and Colton Underwood to air on Good Morning America (GMA). I had a very strong inkling of what was to come, And this morning, literally the first thing I saw when I awoke, were these two individuals on my screen confirming what I suspected the interview was about (and what I long suspected since first watching sporadic episodes of his season of The Bachelor); Colton is gay. I got my coffee and watched the full interview in two segments and processed his words and his behavior. My “Spidey senses” were definitely tingling. Something didn’t sit well with me. I was compelled to do something I rarely do: I took to Twitter and commented on GMA’s post about the interview.
After my Tweet, I proceeded to get dressed for the day and I couldn’t shake the feeling. All these thoughts came flooding at me about why this “coming out” felt ….uncomfortable and insincere. Why did I question the motives of this person sharing his story on national television? Why, instead of the sympathy and empathy I usually feel when my friends, colleagues, clients, and strangers share their coming out stories- and often why they still are fearful of coming out- I felt used and like I was being cajoled and manipulated? So I started formulating those thoughts.
Colton Underwood is not like many other celebrities who have decided to come out later into their career. He is not an author, a journalist, a musician, an artist, a film star or anything like that where we all know who he is because of his work. Yes, he was a former pro NFL player, but one who didn’t reach the public consciousness where his face and name was known to even those who don’t follow the sport. He was not “a star” as we have come to use the term; but he was a talented player who’s time in the sport had come to a relatively early end. I say this not to belittle his talent or his work in no way; I simply say this to illustrate that he was not “famous” for work as an athlete. Those individuals who have become famous due to their work AND THEN chose — or are forced to — share their private lives with the public and decide to do so authentically, are in a different category than Colton and any reality star. Their personal lives ARE why they are famous. The thing that they are offering up to the world to consume is NOT their talent or their skill, it’s their personal life.
Colton Underwood chose to make his personal life ( and specifically his romantic life) the commodity with which he traded for fame and validation, knowing that his situation was NOT what he presented it to be. And instead of keeping that part of his life private while he figured out who he was and what he wanted, he CHOSE to use that to have a platform. And that is the part that I believe people- myself , the women on The Bachelor, the fans, and anyone else that knows his name at this point — would see as the “deceit“. And I’m not saying he should fade into obscurity and not have a career after football. He could do like GMA host Michael Strayhan and become a television personality/ journalist/host. But instead he chose to make his sexuality and his status as an attractive single man the focus knowing that it was more complicated than what he presented it to be. So now he’s doing it again but on “the other side“ as it were.
It’s the order in which he did these things and made these choices that I call into question. Had he retired from football, came out as a gay man, then pursued being on The Bachelor as the first gay Bachelor or even done anything else in the public eye related to his newly embraced sexual identity (like activism or nonprofit work etc.) then it would appear far more authentic and a natural progression or evolution. Would it still be seeking validation and attention? Yes. But that is not a crime. We all do in some way, shape, or form, whether in our private lives with our friends and family or on a national or international scale in the media. But what I find distasteful and even reprehensible is using the plight and the struggle of the LGBTQ community as a way to garner that validation and further one’s personal gain without truly doing so with any sort of altruism or concern for the community that they NOW have decided to claim as their own. The way this highly public coming out comes across is as Colton seeking to prolong his 15 mins in the sun and doing so by “sharing his truth” with us — which really is about getting his fix of fame. That is not OK
Further buttressing my argument of why this reeks of publicity and the commercialization of the struggle of the LGBTQ community, is the fact that Colton used his virginity as part of the marketing for him as The Bachelor. Now whether that was his choice or he just agreed to what the producers wanted to do, he was complicit and fully aware from the onset that his virginity would garner him more attention as The Bachelor because that differentiated him from the many other contestants that preceded him. Also, he knew full well that the reason for his virginity was his sexuality (He said as much in the interview with Robin) and thus therein lies the deceit. He was not a virgin for moral or religious reasons as he allowed people to believe or assume, but because he was afraid of facing his sexuality in full for what it is. Unlike many gay/bi men who lie about their exploits with women, Colton chose to be truthful about his virginity because it was more useful and could be spun to his advantage — while hiding the true cause of that fact. And to me that seems just plain…. problematic and untrustworthy and makes me call into question why he chose to let us in on this truth NOW and in this way.
Then, he threw God in the mix. I fully believe God doesn’t care whether people are gay or straight or trans- as a matter fact, I know God made us beautifully as we are and loves us as such. But one thing I choose to believe and feel that I am certain of in terms of how God operates is that God does not give you a national platform to use to lie about who you are AND to a whole bunch of women who were trying to get to know you intimately so that you can “find yourself” as Colton stated in so many words in the interview. Especially, when God tends to do that kind of work with MILLIONS of other people who are walking in this LGBTQ experience in a very different, private way. I’m not saying GOD can’t use fame to shape someone’s journey. I’m saying that Colton has to own that he chose that path, he made those decisions, and God had no choice but to go along with the program because that’s how free will works. So yeah, I take umbrage as a spiritual person and a person of faith that Colton decided to say God used The Bachelor for him to come out and that it wouldn’t have happened any other way.
Lastly, there’s the way this “revelation” was played out- produced, if you will. The promo teased a secret, not stating why the interview was happening. The word “gay” wasn’t even mentioned; we just knew he had something to announce. Now I knew immediately what it was because I am a queer man who has observed the subtle, nuanced behaviors of queer men (closeted and out) for a long time. I just called it. But the theatrical elements of suspense were employed to catch our attention. This interview was meant to REVEAL, not just to communicate new information or give insight. There’s a subtle but distinct difference in how such interviews are done and promoted. The whole interview felt as though he requested the time to share his new truth. It did not feel as though he was ASKED to share his truth with us. Many celebrities who have decided to come out with private personal information have done so by posting on their Twitter, IG, FB, or through a public statement via a press agent, sharing their process and asking for privacy at this time, while they and their nearest continue to process this life change. Sometime later, they will do a sit down interview with a respected journalist to discuss this life change, what precipitated it, how their loved ones are dealing with it, and what hopes for the future they possess. There’s at least the sense that the various media outlets reaches out to THEM to share their story- not the other way around. And that’s what hits different with Colton. This felt led by Colton. This felt as if Colton reached out to ABC (home of the show that has employed him in one of their most successful franchises and likely would to continue to cash in with him) and pitched “a juicy new chapter in the saga that is Colton Underwood”. It felt like a stunt learned at the feet of master stunt queens The Kardashian-Jenners (and their like). It felt very contrived and very driven by the need and the desire for mass attention- not to be understood, forgiven, or even embraced. Just to be seen.
So what is it that I want out of all of this you may be asking? Well despite how strongly I feel that this is all BS, I do not hate Colton. I wish him well. I think he is a young person who is dealing with a difficult situation and a very unforgiving society that requires labels and for people to conform to status quos and that’s not good for any of us. He is doing what we are all doing: trying to find peace, joy, and love in life. I want that for him and everyone regardless of sexuality, gender, and ethnicity. But I want him to go quietly into his new home in Denver and live his life , to think about his choices , figure out how to be authentic and find love and acceptance and validation FROM HIMSELF and not from the American people and leave us alone and not ask us to do this work for him or join him in this personal journey. Thank you and God bless
Epilogue:
After writing this and sharing my draft with her, my best friend sent me the following links. I rest my case….
